ANTI-MAGNETIC ARCHETYPE #4
THE PLEASER
"To be successful I need to be liked"
More concerned about others' opinions than your own wants and needs, you try to be all things to all people. You soften your message to be more palatable, avoid saying no, and attempt to build your brand based on who you think people want you to be—a fast ticket to bitterness and resentment when your own needs go consistently unmet.
...it's likely The PLEASER has a lot of "pull" right now, and is costing in more ways than you may realise.
→ Diluting your message to be more "palatable" (i.e. less offensive!)
→ Selling whatever you think is most likely to sell as opposed to what people need
→ Feeling resentful about how much you keep giving to people
→ Taking every piece of feedback as a sign to change what you're doing
→ Diluting your message to be more "palatable" (i.e. less offensive!)
→ Selling whatever you think is most likely to sell as opposed to what people need
→ Feeling resentful about how much you keep giving to people
→ Taking every piece of feedback as a sign to change what you're doing
IF You'RE:
Signs The PLEASER is running the show
MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL
A life that feels heavy. Because it's like you're having to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders... while trudging up a very tall mountain... so tall you can't see the peak. It feels like the only way you're going to achieve anything in life is through sheer willpower, determination and force. Completely on your own (forget about co-creation with the universe!) So discipline, rules and schedules are everything. Which turns everything into an obligation, immediately sucking the joy out of it.
A life lived solely for others and never yourself
THE COST TO YOUR BEING
Difficult conversations, boundaries and hard truths are The Pleaser's downfall, because they're so concerned with being liked, they tend to avoid the very thing that people need (because let's be honest: the truth can hurt!) And while it may seem selfless in the moment, you'd actually be falling into the trap of being quite selfish, because you're concerned more with how people perceive you than whether or not they're being guided towards their own highest potential.
Being liked but not respected or taken seriously
THE COST TO YOUR LEADERSHIP
You may be so scared of not appealing to your audience, you let THEM decide what you should create. Regularly polling them to validate ideas, doing ask me anythings, looking at what other popular creators are doing and trying to emulate them... and never simply talking about what YOU know your audience needs. In other words, in trying to anticipate what other people might want, you never become the authority they truly need.
Staying safe, vanilla, and likely, over-looked
THE COST TO YOUR BRAND
There's no end to the ways this pattern can harm you and your business. From over-delivering to struggling to set boundaries, allowing unhealthy scope creep to offering discounts because you want to help as many people as possible... you can end up an over-worked, under-paid doormat who loses sight of your true value. Worst case scenario, having it cost your physical wellbeing as well as your emotional + psychological wellbeing.
Over-delivering while feeling under-valued
THE COST TO YOUR BUSINESS
(NOT SO)
THE HIDDEN COSTS OF OPERATING FROM THIS ARCHETYPE
NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS
THE PLEASER'S MAGNETIC POTENTIAL
The Pleaser's patterns are simply the unhealthy expression of the natural strengths you were born with. And once we become conscious of them, they can be transformed into a higher expression that puts an end to the "self-sabotage" (in quotations because this is actually just a form of self-protection) and becomes a part of your toolkit for success.
THE GIFTS HIDING IN THE SHADOW OF THE PLEASER
At its purest form, your desire to please others comes directly from the same source that your big beautiful heart, your empathy and your genuine desire to be of service comes from. In other words, once we remove the motivation that might come from fear or a lack of self-worth, what you have underneath it all is someone who cares deeply about others and will go out of their way to make their lives better. The difference between service and people pleasing? It's all about motivation. Are you going above and beyond because you're avoiding conflict, afraid of being "disliked" or overcompensating for something? Or are you giving from an overflowing cup, simply because you can?
SACRED GIFT
HARMONY
EMPATHY
STRENGTH
SELF-ABANDONMENT
SHADOW
YOUR ALCHEMICAL MAP
We fall into the shadow when we're operating from fear and doubt, but it's just the other side of the coin to the strength, which we already have within us. The real magic though? It's in accessing the sacred gift, which we earn with time and through alchemising these shadow patterns.
The outward expression of all you are, this is what most think of as personal branding, as it's about how you choose to position and package yourself in the outside world, from what you wear to how your website is designed.
Harder to measure, but easy for others to sense, this is your energy, your vitality, that spark people feel when you walk into a room (or the dark cloud, depending on your mood). This energy gets poured into all of our interactions AND our creations, so it's essential to your magnetism.
How you're showing up in the world. The actions you're taking (or not) the habits you've adopted (whether they're helpful or not) and the way you express yourself. Our actions can change our reality including how we feel, so it's next in line.
Your belief systems and the stories you hold about everything -- from yourself and your own potential, to other people, to how the world works. Our thoughts manifest as reality, so until our beliefs align with our desires, we'll struggle.
Your literal foundations: who you are, how you were built, the state of your nervous system, and the way you naturally see and experience the world. If we don't understand these things or let them get out of whack, everything else falls apart!
FROM PLEASER TO BOUNDARIED BENEFACTOR
Magnetism isn't some switch you flick on. It's created from 5 different sources that are all essential parts of you. And since one impacts the next, you can think of this as your "Magnetic Hierarchy of Needs". I'll quickly explain what they are before diving into tailored recommendations for each of these areas specific to The Pleaser.
To heal the pattern of The PLEASER and step into its highest expression as The BOUNDARIED BENEFACTOR, we must work from the Inside Out.
CROSSING THE THRESHOLD
YOUR MAGNETIC MAKEUP
YOUR MAGNETIC MYTHOLOGY
YOUR MAGNETIC M.O.
YOUR MATERIAL MAGNETISM
YOUR MAGNETIC MOXIE
SO NOW YOU KNOW THE LINGO, LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT IT TAKES TO GO FROM PLEASER MODE TO BOUNDARIED BENEFACTOR ENERGY!
Magnetic Makeup
Because as long as your body thinks doing that is a threat to your wellbeing, you'll avoid it.
This is a slow process, so start small. What's one way you could better enforce a boundary today?
PS It doesn't have to be a conversation -- it could also be making your messaging clearer on your website or contract!)
LAYER ONE:
Magnetic Mythology
LAYER TWO:
Magnetic M.O.
Instead, look at what kind of boundaries you can create in advance.
One of my favourites is calendar rules. Deciding what days you can do meetings, how many in a day, and any other conditions that will help protect your energy.
Then when going to schedule anything, referring to those first (and ideally building them into your scheduling software!)
LAYER THREE:
Magnetic Moxie
Not just "have I eaten well and drunk enough water". Think "Have I nurtured myself today? Done something that brings me joy? Rested?"
This is going to make you so much more magnetic and ensure that whether you're on a client call or creating content, your energy is undeniable.
LAYER FOUR:
Material Magnetism
Where are you making it too easy for people to work with you? A lack of application process? Under-charging? Keeping the doors open 24/7? Long discovery calls that turn into therapy sessions? (Ahem... not that I can relate)
This week, run an availability audit and commit to implementing at least one change.
LAYER FIVE:
Build Up Your Baseline
Shift Your Story
Align Your Action
Elevate Your Energy
Bridge Your Brilliance
YOUR PERSONAL ROADMAP
While this magnetic hierarchy of needs is universal, what's required to break you out of your own patterns and activate your highest potential is unique. Tap on the orange arrows to view your personal magnetism prescription.
MAGNETIC MAKEUP
Your biggest challenge is going to be about building nervous system capacity and safety to start speaking your truth, saying no, and setting boundaries that honour your needs. Because as long as your body thinks doing that is a threat to your wellbeing, you'll avoid it. This is a slow process, so start small. What's one way you could better enforce a boundary today? It doesn't have to be a conversation -- it could also be making your messaging clearer on your website or contract!)
BUILD UP YOUR BASELINE
MAGNETIC MYTHOLOGY
We need to find the root belief that's having a ripple effect in your life. Is it "I'm safe as long as people like me?" "If I'm not the nice one, I'll be abandoned?" Often us people pleasers are doing others a disservice by not being truthful because we enable them to stay in their own patterns (and us to keep growing more resentful!). So can you connect to a new belief that says "I speak truthfully in service of everyone's highest good"?
SHIFT YOUR STORY
MAGNETIC M.O.
The toughest habit to break is the default yes. So don't leave it up to willpower on the day! Instead, look at what kind of boundaries you can create in advance. One of my favourites is calendar rules. Deciding what days you can do meetings, how many in a day, and any other conditions that will help protect your energy. Then when going to schedule anything, referring to those first (and ideally building them into your scheduling software!)
ALIGN YOUR ACTIONS
MAGNETIC MOXIE
The more you fill your own cup, the more you're able to give from overflow. So for the Pleaser, one of the most important thing to do is ensure every single day includes time to have your own needs met (ideally to start the day AND to end the day).
Not just "have I eaten well and drunk enough water". Think "Have I nurtured myself today? Done something that brings me joy? Rested?" This is going to make you so much more magnetic and ensure that whether you're on a client call or creating content, your energy is undeniable.
ELEVATE YOUR ENERGY
MATERIAL MAGNETISM
One of the most magnetic things a Pleaser can do for their brand or business is making themselves LESS available (as opposed to "HIRE ME I CAN START YESTERDAY") Where are you making it too easy for people to work with you? A lack of application process? Under-charging? Keeping the doors open 24/7? Long discovery calls that turn into therapy sessions?(Ahem... not that I can relate!) This week, run an availability audit and commit to implementing at least one change.
